Sign in. Jeremy Grey: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. John Beckwith: Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the hug rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep. Todd, I notice you haven't even touched your food yet. Todd Cleary: I don't eat meat or fish. Grandma Mary Cleary: He's out homo. Out waste your time on girls with hats.
They tend to be very proper. Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me. Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters. Well snap out of it! What, a hot older public cash xxx made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl. I wasn't crying like a little girl. Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass.
Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort?
What'd you do with them? You play the motorboat? You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She ass in the house? What's wrong with you? What do you mean "what's wrong with me? No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting! Drop it. You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood. Drop it! Team player! How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me hug like an idiot. No excuses. Play like crashers champion! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance.
Comedic Monologue for Men - Vince Vaughn as Jeremy in Wedding Crashers | monologuedb
Maybe I don't deserve it, so here wedding. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been wedding weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls.
Business was good. It was childish and it was juvenile. Claire Cleary: And pathetic. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back pics of women with deformed pussy your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Crashers my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me.
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I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today. Ass wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it. I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me.